Looking Back

I looked back over what I've written over the last few years. It was kind of depressing to see how many of them are about me being unhappy or just dissatisfied. I like to think I'm a generally happy person nowadays. 

Maybe I only feel like writing when I'm feeling sad. If I'm feeling happy I'll go hang out with my friends and talk and party but I won't write it down. So everything in the blog looks sad but that's just because I don't write down the happy stuff. I think there's a statistics thing about that... That makes sense. I'm actually happy.

I know that sometimes the posts can get a little graphic. It sounds like I don't want to be alive or my life is going crappy but it's not. I mean there's shitty stuff that happens. And maybe I find myself crying myself to sleep more often than laughing myself to sleep. That's just how it goes. I know that I used to suffer from depression but I'm over that now. Things just suck sometimes and temporary sadness is just the normal response.

But I'm happy. I'm happy. I just have to keep telling myself that I'm happy.

Open Letter, RE: Fire

I am drowning.

I have no air. The time to breath or think or feel escapes me as I fall in and out of the rapids of my life. I slip out of the water only long enough to glaze on a smile and hiccup a laugh so that I can return to the water undisturbed. If I could just fall down long enough maybe I would worry so much about the air.

The heat is always there. It is an existential crisis waiting to erupt. Who what when where why is life? When each hour presses harder and harder on my lungs I can feel the ribs of my morals cracking. I fake tears to feel the warmth on my face; these are by far the most innocuous of my lies. These to You are only the seepage from overflowing dishonesty infecting the valley of my faintly beating heart.

I am the fuel. Lying. Waiting.

Come at me life. I've fought you down every day since before I was born. Maybe it's your turn.