Christmas Magic

When we were 5 years old, we used to stay up every christmas eve to see Santa. Every night we would fall asleep too early but wake up just as early as we possibly could to see the presents under the tree. The pine smell and bright lights were magical, they truly were. And all the cheering and food and presents made us laugh and smile for the whole day. But as we grow up it's a little harder to see that magic. The lights are just L.E.D.'s, the smell is worn and familiar, and the myth of Santa died out many years ago. But the parents who put you to sleep every night, and the family and friends that you celebrate with, are they not magical? Is it not magical to see all of the woes and frustrations of daily life melt away to jollity and glee? However hard the fruit cake or dry the ham, christmas food will always taste the best and the laughs on this day will always be the hardest because it doesn't matter if you're 5 or 25, atheist, jewish or christian, boy or girl, genius or athlete, for this one day, the magic is real.

Thanks

I made a list today of what I was thankful for. I'm thankful for the food I get to eat and the bed I get to sleep in. I'm thankful for the great friends I have and the time I get to spend with them. But with the yelling and hate that surrounds me, the people that I miss and will never get back, and the secrets I'm forced to keep hidden, I had to add one more thing. I'm thankful not that I have a roof over my head, but that someday soon, it will be a different roof.

You

I believe that if you have a brother, you have someone who abused you. If you had a mother you had someone who never had time for you and a father that never believed in you. And I could go on all through your second cousin thrice removed but before I do I'd like to say that I couldn't care less about your Great Aunt Mildred, I only care about you.

Happiness

I sometimes wonder why everything I care enough to write about is sad. Maybe I'm depressed, but I don't feel like I'm depressed. Maybe I just like the feeling of being sad. A lot of people do that now. The emos and the the masochists are becoming more plentiful nowadays. But no, I don't think that's it either. I wonder why I can write pages and stories about sadness, but there is nothing I can write about the alternative. But I guess it's because I can't steer away from sadness. There will be times when I am sad. There will be times when I'm not. Sadness has complicated twists and turns and I can cry my eyes dry before I see a bright light, but when life hands me a sour grapefruit I won't try to make lemonade, because I have a great recipe for a grapefruit cheesecake. Being happy is the easy part.

Why?

It has always been my goal to change the world. Obviously it's childish, but I think in the back of everyone's mind; it's their dream too. As little kids, you want to create your own country on some little island because then everything would happen the way you know is best, and you could change the world. When we get a little older, we know this is beyond unlikely. Next, we think we can become president or prime minister of your country and bring it to a golden age. Once we grow up a little more, you realize two things about becoming the president.
1) I'm never going to be the president.
2) Even if I work hard, become well educated, raise the money, raise the support, and miraculously become the president (even orphans like Obama have done it once in a while), I can't really change the world. The president has to follow the rules the rest of us do. He is kept down by all of the obstructionist congressmen and senators that disagree with him, no matter how genius and revolutionary his strategies may be. In the end, the President has to make enough compromises that he has no more power than the rest of us.
At this point we may go through the stages of grief until we come to acceptance and decide to just be happy. Is it really that simple? Happiness is not an of/off switch. How can I be happy when all I see around me is a world in dismay, a world I can't change?
The first thought that occurred to me was to leave the world. I can't exactly go live on Mars, but, at least I could go somewhere that the world in dismay did not occur to me. I would run to the deep wilderness and there, I would live out the rest of my days. However, it would only be a matter of time until someone found me, or the wilderness I lived in would be destroyed. Then I would be in the exact world I was in before, but without money, a job, an education, or any other way of starting over. I couldn't keep going from forest to forest, because I would be without the means of getting there after the first venture.
Once that idea failed, I searched for a more aggressive approach. My second idea was to start a revolution. But from even the most basic history, I know that that too would be a failed venture. Whether a revolution is started on the basis of radical reform on religious, political, or economic grounds, it serves only to create the same problems by a new hand and under a different name.
It is obvious that I'm not the first person to ever have a crisis of meaning in their life, so I searched for what other people do. They grow up and have kids. There was my third idea. Even if i can't change the political structure of the world, if I have kids, and they have kids, and their kids have kids, I have changed the world. Until the end of time, I will have left an impact in the form of children.
And if that's not enough? I know I'm not smart enough to discover something incredible, I'm not artistically talented enough to produce a classic (of music, art, or film), and I will never be an olympian. I refuse to become another Unabomber. Not only did his strategy harm many possibly innocent people, he was altogether ineffective. No, I couldn't be a terrorist, no matter how pure my intentions. My fourth idea was realistic. I could start a wing in a hospital or a college. I'm a rather successful person, and I believe that if I continue to put in the effort that I currently do, that is completely within my reach. It would leave a significant mark on the world that would hold my name and most likely outlast the human species itself. And yet it does not satisfy the urge that the illusion of presidency once did.
At this point I wondered why I cared at all. Despite the annoyance that a world I did not agree with might pose, it is not altogether impossible that I might be able to live out a normal life and be content. There would be moments of depression and moments of bliss, but I would probably be generally happier than sad. The question no longer became why should I care, but why live? As Camus said, "Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?" Eventually, everyone will die with either choice, so what difference does it make if it's today or in 80 years? Of course I believe suicide is idiotic. It is an utterly selfish act, to leave your friends and family miserable. Beyond that, it is like a cheat of life. It is the coward's answer to challenge. Frankly, I don't want to drink coffee either, but the point still stands. With the line between life and death so thin, I don't want to stand with life for no more reason than suicide being the unacceptable alternative.
I'm not searching for some universal meaning to life. I don't believe in any sort of intervening god, and I don't actually believe that there is any reason humans have any more meaning in their existence than the termites in their wood. However, I am thoroughly convinced that there is a reason to live. Beyond that, I believe there is a simple reason to live. Between the apes who likely do not question their existence and the overly evolved humans that question it all too much, there must have been creatures who questioned their existence on a primal basis. To have answered themselves, the answer too must be primal. And yet as the rationale to refute the simple solution contorted to become as convoluted as it is comprehensive, the question has remained the same, and I believe the answer on the other side of this twisted rationale must be too.
Somewhere near the beginning of this interminably long (and admittedly both self-important and pretentious) rant, I suggested that the simplest solution was just to be happy. However for me, saying this is the destination. To be there without the journey is pointless. The journey is the only way to truly cast out the alternatives. To remove any "what ifs" that fester in your mind. There is no secret to life, and saying that you just want to be happy helps nothing. I can't tell you how to be happy. I can't tell you how that the world is a place of wonder and that if you work as hard as you can you can change the world. If you ask yourself why the hell should I get up today and go to work, I can't tell you that either. But at the very least least, I can promise you that there is an answer.

Prediction

In science, one of the most important tasks is being able to predict what will happen. One of the greatest human desires is to be able to feel like they are in control of their future. To predict what will happen is an intrinsic part of that. We have learned to predict the interactions of subatomic particles and of unimaginably large supernovae. However there is one thing that humans simply cannot take science's word on. Since the beginning of human life, people have been trying to predict. But no matter how smart you are, or how hard you work, it takes your entire life to figure out what will happen after death.

I'm sorry

It is a sad day in the world when even in the country most obsessed with freedom and equality that a man will say to you, "You make a good point. You present it logically, intellectually, and passionately. What you say is incredibly important and affects the entire world, but I'm sorry. You don't have enough money to be right."

Popularity

It has come to pass that in a very large minority, popularity is the most despised of traits. Books like Twilight and artists like Justin Bieber are consistently ridiculed. Of course all pieces in the public eye are open to criticism, but it is amazing why these pieces are made a mockery of. Twilight is a bad book because "vampires are gay." But what about the content? Is the plot full of devilish surprise? Are the themes universally applicable? Is the writing full of witty turns of phrase and rich symbolism? Justin Bieber is a bad singer because "he sounds like a little girl," but does his he have palpably accurate intonation? Does he have stunning range and enthralling tone quality? Nobody cares. And yet the truth is that an opinion made sheerly in protest is as asinine as one made in blind accord.

Passion

A great passion is inspiring. There are people across the world who do nothing but sit on the piano bench or with a violin in their hands. There are people that do love their career so much that they will work into their 90's. Is this not the purest expression of passion; to have a nearly unstoppable compelling feeling of love towards what you do? And yet this love seems selectively dispassionate. If your child spends every hour of his day playing Call of Duty, is he passionate or obsessed? What if he becomes the best player in the world? If the game were soccer or basketball, the answer would be obvious, for this is a passion. Do I have a passion for earning money, or am I obsessed with medicine? Where do you draw the line?

Drummers

Cursed be the drummers, of whom even the most gifted musicians will do little but annoy their listeners.

Blessed be the pianists and those who strum the guitar, of whom the least competent are stared at in wonder.

Time Wasted

I never want to wake wake up Sunday feeling the same way I did on Saturday. If I ever knew that I went through 24 hours of a day unchanged, I could never live it down. Starving children in Africa may want the food you left on your plate, but even Bill Gates wants the week you wasted on your couch.

Dream

It's always been my dream to run away. I don't want to run away forever, I love my friends and family and my life. I just wish I could run away with one person for one day. A day where I don't have to worry about satisfying anyone or putting up with the little annoyances of life. I wouldn't have to come home at a certain time, or tell anyone who I was with or where I was going. I could just wander the streets with my friend and talk, and tell stories, and do nothing but be happy. I don't need money and I don't need stuff, I just want to live in a world of simplicity.

Scoreboard

It is an unfortunate fact that you and I will spend a large part of our lives arguing. Whether we argue with our enemies, our friends, or even our spouses, we will argue. More than half the time it will be about something no one cares about. No where is this more apparent than on the internet. On the games you play, people will argue about the usage of then or than. People will argue about the best way to execute the 5th point in the same strategy. But why do we purposefully subject ourselves to such useless arguments? Recently I've realized that it is due to a unique attribute of games. At the end of the game, after all the disagreements and all of the arguing, you get to figure out who was right. Because no matter who was more stupid or more "noob", when you see your name at the top of the scoreboard, you know that you were right all along.

Bliss

There goes a saying where I live that ignorance is bliss. That is to say that not knowing makes us happier than knowing. But the scientists among us, the philosophers, the mathematicians, know this cannot be true. The dark ages were brought from a philosophy all too similar to this one. It is the thinkers that keep culture, and civilization itself on its feet. It is Immanuel Kant's "dare to know" process that keeps us happy. And yet sometimes, when the parents are yelling and it is all you can do to stop the tears from rolling onto your pillow, the only cure is to cover your ears with music and let ignorance be bliss.

Just Some Thoughts

As is with the random brain mush that falls into this site, I thought I would add some random quote-like thoughts.

All women are crazy and all men are jerks. Some are just better at hiding it.

We could learn so much more if we didn't waste our time in school.

If you knew what you were doing, you would be doing it.

Fix yourself before you try to fix anyone else.

You can't make yourself responsible for someone else's failures.

If life is hard, if it is scary, if it is uncomfortable, then you are doing something right. The warm, cozy, dream life, is a mixture of apathy and laziness.

Don't romanticize life. You won't like the break-up.

The more generalities you make, the closer you are to being right.

Cute

In childhood, we are called cute. Anything from the way we rub our eyes to the determination with which we work on a project, people give this backhanded complement. At what point does cute become an insult? At what point do we reject cuteness and accept a more severe life? It seems almost instinctual to despise these words at any age of which we have memory, but why? Why can't we accept what is essentially charm and attractiveness? What stops us from separating from the ridiculous expectation of gravity in all the throws of life? We all look at the fools and mock them for their whimsical attitude. Is it not them, in their cuteness, that allows them to be free?

Somewhere in the Middle

Accepting extremes of an idea splits a search for the truth into a battle between people. In politics, this manifests as democrats against republicans. In religion, it lead to the 30 years war. More than 1500 years ago, the Buddha presented the idea of the Middle Way. Both idealistically and pragmatically, this makes the most sense. When someone suggests that there is only one right way to live, or only one right way to think, they are wrong. There are ideas across a continuum, and to only accept the extremes is like only eating the edges of an oreo, never tasting the frosting of the middle way.

Tradition

Traditions are what shape a person’s life, the ones they love and the ones they hate, the ones they toss away and the ones they keep. Traditions are the thoughts and practices of all the people that have come before them, and the ones that they choose decide which of these people they are going to be like.

History

Reading a history book is reminiscent of reading an adventure novel. There are the friends and the enemies, the ones that could never be trusted, the loving couple who's break-up hurts not just themselves but their friends. There are twists and turns and tensions that explosively break. The only difference is once you get to the end of a history book, you aren't done with the story. When you're at the end of a history book, it's your turn to write the words on the page.

Trust

It's easy to look at those who trust everyone and laugh. Anyone who has the wisdom to mature a little knows that no one can be completely trusted. In the best case scenario, nothing is changed. In the real world, promises will be broken and tears will be shed. Only the few people who have the wisdom to mature a lot know that we have to do it anyways.

Love

At some point in life, everyone has heard the phrase, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." And yet we have all had the relationship where there are no happy moments, no fond memories. There are only misery, anger, and regret. How could this be for the best? How could this be better? I think this could be most likened to giving a man starving in the desert a rich spoon of honey. Not enough to give him any sustenance, only enough to whet his palette and leave him wishing for more. Some would see this as torture, and yet it isn't. This is because the man now has drive. He has the motivation to keep going, when he may have otherwise given up. I believe love is the same way. Each failure brings us closer to success, and love can fail over a million times, because it only needs to succeed once to engorge our lives with happiness.

To Conform

The dictionary defines conforming as acting in accordance with expectations. But when one thinks of the people who claim to conform the least, it is the teenagers. The teenagers who wear the baggy clothes, the kids who just don't care about school, about their parents, about the norm. And yet that statement in itself presents a hypocrisy. One can predict, or rather expect, exactly what it is that those who refuse to conform will do. Essentially, it is those who refuse to conform that conform the most! Wouldn't it be stunning to find a 16 year old wearing a suit and tie to school, a teenager that respected their elders and obeyed every law? Those are the true non conformists. The next time you see all the identical goths, who prides themselves on being different, know they deserve no respect. They deserve nothing but a laugh.